Shame; An Open Letter

Shame on you. Shame on you all.

Shame on you for making your blood feel guilty. Shame on you for making a 23 year old feel bad for her HONESTY.

Shame on you for making me feel like I can trust you.

Shame on you for punishing me for having an opinion.

Shame on you for taking this out on someone else, your concern should’ve been with me. I wrote those words. No one else. I WROTE THOSE WORDS.

If you have a problem, bring it up to me. Not those individuals mentioned in my writing.

You were supposed to teach me how to be an adult and yet I don’t see you as examples. My writing is my gift and you’ve scared me into hiding it. Like all my other gifts, I hide them because I don't want to give you the pleasure of making me feel like they're not good.

I’m supposed to look to you for spiritual guidance but how am I to do that when I am unable to see your Christ-like behaviours.

I’m sorry if you don’t like my opinions. But my opinion is mine alone. You can’t force me to agree with you or to deny my feelings.

I have never belonged here. I have never quite fit in. This just pushes me further into my isolation.

Fool me into trusting you once, shame on you. Fool me into trusting you ever again and shame, shame on me.

For Nile

I want to dedicate the following song to Nile.

I Wanna Be The One by fun.

Were you named for the river that surrounds
all my biggest mistakes?
Or the way that I made it out?

All the muscles in my mouth
never smiled or said profound things
until the day she handed you to me.

For all the steps you'll take
and all you'll overcome
I wanna be the one to put it in a song.
Take every single tear
for all the world to hear.
I wanna be the one to put it in a song.

Cigarettes are raining hard
on the upper east side.
She brings me a cake,
we celebrate
I have arrived.
And I know that it's been sang before,
but you're my human holiday.
I put my hands to the table and dary say...
"the love of my life?"

And your brother with his best friend
share the name of an inebriate
that couldn't bring me down!

For everything you've lost
and all you've overcome
I wanna be the one to put it in a song.
Take every single tear
for all the world to hear
I wanna be the one to put it in a song

and make it last forever.
Clever comes from truth.
When truth begets the past
it sends a call up to the moon
and the moon can see the beauty that
surrounds
Your heart as it pounds.
It starts the beat
Inspiring me
Until I make a sound.

Sneak

Little known skill learned only after motherhood -

Master hiding skills.

I have quickly learned where and how things (i.e. CANDY) can be hidden when I've determined Nile has had enough but he disagrees. Recently, I learned that the small space between the couch arm and the side table was small enough and dark enough so as to conceal things I don't want Nile to have.

Setting:
Nile has been consuming sour candies at an alarming rate. In order to stop, the bag of candy is slipped in aforementioned slot.

Cue Grandma - shout downstairs to ask Mom a question.

Cue Nile -






Sneaky little fart!








As I turned around from talking to Grandma, I saw this. Sneaky little boy trying with all his might to reach the bag of candy before I noticed. Once busted, he thought it was very entertaining to peak up at me.

Nile keeps getting bigger, smarter and funnier. Each day is quite the adventure. Grandpa is extremely proud of Nile's favourite TV shows. No night is complete until Nile joins me to watch Wheel of Fortune (lovingly called Wo-chun) and Jeopardy (Depp-a-dee). Nile loves these shows. He likes to repeat letters on Wheel and predict his knowledge on categories in Jeopardy (a habit picked up from me, I say OK or Uh-Oh after each category is named predicting how well I'll do with the subject). Jeopardy is by far his favourite and he has even corrected me if I forget to say What/Who is... I have also watched him on several occasions shout "I did it!" and clap wildly after an answer is given.

Nile's language skills are fast increasing. I seem to say this in each post, but I'm still amazed by it. Recently Nile has added foreign languages, animal sounds, numbers, letters and colors to his repetoire.

Nile has added:
Hola
Gracias
Oopsidasio
Me Amo (mostly just Amo)
Bonjour
Bonne Nuit
Bonne Soir
Merci
Au Revoir
Beaucoup
Salut
I did it!
Spank a butt (he often says this after I've scolded him)
Sweet... (constantly prefaces Truck/Car. Any vehicle seen results in a merry "Sweet Truck!")

Nile can accurately (most times) recognize numbers. His hardest number is 8 which he generally thinks is 0. Nile is also getting the hang of colours. He is all too happy to tell you his favourite is Geen. He also cares a great deal for Ba-lue. He's also learning animal noises. So far he can tell you the noises made by Dogs, Cats, Pigs, Cows and Horses. Horse is the most entertaining because he basically just giggles.

Here is an audio clip of Nile playing "Repeat"<--Click it, it's adorable!

Nile's Language

Here is just a smattering of the budding verbous child I'm raising (Credit given where due)

Messes = Kisses
Doughn wan it = I don't want it
Eyen wanna go owside = I want to go oustide
Eyen wanna go dowstirs = I want to go downstairs
Eyen wanna go ustirs = I want to go upstairs
Dinar = Dinner
Luns = Lunch
Brettfast = Breakfast
Yugh-urt = Yougurt
Oumeals = Oatmeal
Sir-rul = Cereal
Uh Oh Chongo = YA...quote from Blazing Saddles, Thanks Grandpa
Wikt Shweet = Wicked Sweet
Aweshome = Awesome
Bee-bee = Blanket
Cuddlesh = Cuddles, naturally
Kreesha's Hoame = Krista's home, to the sitter's
Twoopy = Trooper the dog
Pool-up = Pull-ups
Dipah = Diaper
Chuck = Truck
Cah = Car
Camron = Uncle Cameron
Iwaq = Iraq
Kooowait = Kuwait
Hummah = Hummer
Map = MRAP (Uncle Cameron's vehicle in Kuwait)
Guum! = Gum
Cahsheet = Carseat
Eyen go drive = I wanna go for a drive
Eyen shooda = I want some soda

and my current personal favourite, thanks to Jordan -

Yeah, dude!

Finality

July 14th 2009. My Independence Day. The divorce is finally, after 5 long months, finalized. My nightmare is over, at least in part. My ties are cut and here I stand, a free woman, ready to move forward. Here I pen my Declaration of Personal Independence.

My Declaration of Personal Independence

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one person to dissolve the marital bond which has connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all marriages are not created equal, that people are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of relationship becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the person to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new relationships. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that relationships long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such relationships, and to provide new guards for their future security. –Such has been the patient sufferance of this woman; and such is now the necessity which constrains her to alter their former system of relationship. The history of the former Husband is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over this woman. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world at http://casper.saintseanzys.com.

In every stage of his oppressions we have petitioned for redress in the most humble terms: our repeated petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A man, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a tyrant, is unfit to be the guardian of this woman.

The woman has come to this action. The marriage, which lasted over three years, has thusly been dissolved by the legally binding council of the land.

Here I sign my freedom.

Only a Day

Last night, my mom was kind enough to take Nile and I out to buy a potty chair.

We set up the potty in the bathroom and Nile was instantly curious. Last night and today he was constantly asking to "Potty." I was happy to oblige.

I assumed this part of the process would take a bit. I was astonished, then, when this evening shortly before bedtime Nile had success!

My little boy successfully used the potty!

Sometimes I'm a little weirded out that moments like this give me such great joy, but honestly, my baby pooped in the potty and I couldn't be prouder!

Leaps and Bounds

I find myself in a delicate state yet again.

After a rousing hot-wheels race on the floor with my beaming son, he looked into my eyes and said "Mommy. Potty." Promptly stood up and quickly walked to the bathroom door and pushed it open. His eyes again locked on mine as I came over and he said, "Hurry. Potty." I followed him in and undressed him quickly before sitting him down on the potty. He sat there calmly for a moment and then asked to get down. He slipped from my grasp and slipped around and enthusiastically flushed the toilet, grinning widely as he watched the water rush out.

In this moment my heart soared and broke all at once. Nile will be 2 years old in less than a week and I tremble at the knowledge that my baby boy is long gone. That little creature that relied entirely on me to care for his every need is gone. Now, I see before me a miniature man wandering at my side. I ask him questions and he gives me intelligent answers. Each morning I ask him what he wants for breakfast and each day I hear "I want meal (oatmeal)," "I want yogurt," or "I want cereal." He loves watching my dad and mom drive in their trucks and to his delight he spends every evening digging through his toy bucket looking for matching hot wheels to Grandma and Grandpa's trucks.

With no prompting from me, my little man has begun what I see as the final step between dependence and independence. I should have expected him to step into this on his own. He weaned himself from nursing, from his binkie, from sippy cups. He requested a pillow for bed, he wants to get into his chair by himself, he doesn't want to hold my hand while we walk, he climbs into the car on his own, he puts his shoes on and takes them off himself. Thanks to Grandpa, Nile even quotes Blazing Saddles.

I miss my little infant so much sometimes. I miss the warmth of his tiny body snuggled against my chest. I miss his quiet cry. I miss his little tiny baby neck. I miss the unique connection felt when nursing. I miss his little tiny fingers wrapped tightly around one of mine. I miss those quiet moments late at night when he had cried out for me and was now resting serenely.

But I love my growing little man. I love hearing unique new sentences from him, like today's "I'm driving the car Mommy." I love his enormous fat feet (Ya my 2 year old wears a size 7 kids shoe). I love his curiosity in his world. I love his adorable obsession with trucks. I love when he says "Cameron, Iraq, Kuwait," because I so badly want him to respect the sacrifice his uncle made. I love our nightly cuddles before bed. I am so so very lucky to have him in my life as he is my driving force.

I only pray that I'm doing a good job. God help me, I feel like I haven't got a clue.

Inky Soul

About 2 weeks ago Greg informed me that he had turned in the required paperwork to my lawyer. This meant the papers could be signed and the divorce finalized.

Time had passed and we realized the lawyer had yet to call about the filing fee. I called the office and inquired about the status of our case. Today I recieved a call stating that they just needed a copy of our tax documents from last year and the papers would be filed completely and in 2 weeks I could expect it to be final.

Final.

Finally.

I will be the first to admit, we had our good times. Unfortunately they were too brief and spaced too far to save our marriage from drowning in pain.

I am positive that I had many failings in our marriage. I can be selfish. I'm very independent. I lack patience for overly needy men. I lack affection if a man constantly hangs on me or forces me to be the strength more than 50% of the time. I have weak days too, you know. I'm terrible with money. I have lazy days and when I'm sad, they come more often than not. I show my love by doing things or giving things. When I'm tired, it means I want to sleep. If you wake me up in the middle of the night, it had better be important or I'll be cranky and I might be cranky no matter what. I am quite low maintenance but cannot stand guys who are higher maintenance than me. I am extremely logical and was even accused of being too logical and not compassionate.

But for all that, at the very least I was kind to you. Even in the darkest moments, lying on my emotional basement floor, I still smiled and took your hand when you apologized and promised it would never happen again. And then I did it again and again and again. You crushed my heart, destroyed my self-esteem and isolated me in my pain. As hard as I try to be mad at you, I can't do it. As is, seemingly, my lot in life, I have forgiven you with all my soul. I sincerely hope that I, at the very least, taught you a lesson so that I am the only woman who need suffer.

I have learned some lessons. I will never pay another man's bills. I will never let a man put me down. I will never settle for less than everything I want. I will never settle for a man who can't tell me his ambitions and work hard to achieve them. I will never let a man put down my ambitions. I will never allow a man to dictate my life. I will never let a man tell me whom I can and cannot be friends with. I will never allow a man to laugh at my hobbies and interests. I will never allow a man to make me support our family, if I can work two jobs so can he. I will avoid men who have no friends. I will avoid men who have no interests. I will run in the opposite direction of any man who tells me I'm too smart, too logical or too nerdy or geeky.

I will be happy no matter what happens with the rest of my life because I finally know that I have the will, the power and the desire to go after all that I want and need.

Dawn

A new day has come and I find myself smiling at the warmth of the golden dawn before me.



It has been nearly 5 months since I left my ex-husband and not a days goes by that I'm not absolutely affirmed that I made the right decision. As painful as this process has been and as much as I sometimes struggle with the things resulting from it, I find no reason to even briefly wish I had chosen otherwise.

In these 5 months I have certainly had my ups and downs, as is true of life period. But I find comfort in the fact that things are definitely on an uphill swing.

In an effort to not allow myself to be bogged down by the minute details of life I have begun a concerted effort to focus on the highlights. I recently received a promotion at work. I am now seated happily in the Payments (Financial) department working as a Fraud Prevention Analyst. I so thoroughly enjoyed my time in Tech Support and am so grateful for the opportunity to advance. Special thanks to Candice and Devin for their motivation. I enjoy the company of my new coworkers, Jenn and Josh. Each day is exciting, fresh and challenging.

I have so many friends and family members that have been so kind to me. I hope that each one of you knows just how valuable you've been to me. Everything from letting me vent and complain to returning my long absent social life. Thank you all.

I am, also, relishing in my time with Nile. This little man never ceases to delight and fascinate me. His intelligence and personality are so enthralling to me that I often wonder how in Heaven and on Earth I was chosen to care for this little being. Nile's linguistic skills continue to amaze. Any word of less than 3 syllables is no challenge for Nile. He can repeat nearly anything and needs only one or two examples before the word is committed to memory. One of my favourite bits of his English repertoire was learned for his Uncle Cameron. On one occasion when Cameron called to give us his "I'm safe" report, I put Nile's mouth to the phone and asked Nile to repeat what I said, without hesitation Nile copied my saying "Cameron," "Iraq" and "Kuwait" much to Cameron's joy. Nile's use of full sentences is also fantastic. Favourites include "I wanna go outside" "I wanna eat yogurt" and "I don't want that." I also laugh everytime Nile prefaces answers or statements with a lenghty "Ummm."

Nile is nearly two years old. His birthday is just over a week away and I struggle with the realization that I have watched helplessly as the last 2 years have flown by in nearly a wink. I have watched my alien-faced infant grow and mature into a walking, talking toddler. This toddler plays video games, greets nearly all strangers with a glowing "Hi" and chases gleefully after any doggy that will let him. Nile is warm and friendly. He is so fond of his friends and family. He absolutely LOVES cars and trucks (seemingly as any little boy might). He never misses the chance to greet me with open arms and shrieks of joy when I pick him up from the sitter. He serves as a great little alarm clock, promptly waking me each morning. As the sun rises, I am greeted with a repetitive "Mommy....Mommy....Mommy" until I reluctantly roll over at which point I hear a giddy "Hi!"

I am so very blessed and although life presents it's many challenges I know that I am headed in the right direction, hand in hand with my raison d'etre. All things happen for a purpose and I trust that the confidence and joy I feel are the result of making ultimately the hardest decision I will ever make (I hope, although others are sure to come).

While I may not have a traditional family any longer, I know, without a doubt, my family is whole.