Only a Day

Last night, my mom was kind enough to take Nile and I out to buy a potty chair.

We set up the potty in the bathroom and Nile was instantly curious. Last night and today he was constantly asking to "Potty." I was happy to oblige.

I assumed this part of the process would take a bit. I was astonished, then, when this evening shortly before bedtime Nile had success!

My little boy successfully used the potty!

Sometimes I'm a little weirded out that moments like this give me such great joy, but honestly, my baby pooped in the potty and I couldn't be prouder!

Leaps and Bounds

I find myself in a delicate state yet again.

After a rousing hot-wheels race on the floor with my beaming son, he looked into my eyes and said "Mommy. Potty." Promptly stood up and quickly walked to the bathroom door and pushed it open. His eyes again locked on mine as I came over and he said, "Hurry. Potty." I followed him in and undressed him quickly before sitting him down on the potty. He sat there calmly for a moment and then asked to get down. He slipped from my grasp and slipped around and enthusiastically flushed the toilet, grinning widely as he watched the water rush out.

In this moment my heart soared and broke all at once. Nile will be 2 years old in less than a week and I tremble at the knowledge that my baby boy is long gone. That little creature that relied entirely on me to care for his every need is gone. Now, I see before me a miniature man wandering at my side. I ask him questions and he gives me intelligent answers. Each morning I ask him what he wants for breakfast and each day I hear "I want meal (oatmeal)," "I want yogurt," or "I want cereal." He loves watching my dad and mom drive in their trucks and to his delight he spends every evening digging through his toy bucket looking for matching hot wheels to Grandma and Grandpa's trucks.

With no prompting from me, my little man has begun what I see as the final step between dependence and independence. I should have expected him to step into this on his own. He weaned himself from nursing, from his binkie, from sippy cups. He requested a pillow for bed, he wants to get into his chair by himself, he doesn't want to hold my hand while we walk, he climbs into the car on his own, he puts his shoes on and takes them off himself. Thanks to Grandpa, Nile even quotes Blazing Saddles.

I miss my little infant so much sometimes. I miss the warmth of his tiny body snuggled against my chest. I miss his quiet cry. I miss his little tiny baby neck. I miss the unique connection felt when nursing. I miss his little tiny fingers wrapped tightly around one of mine. I miss those quiet moments late at night when he had cried out for me and was now resting serenely.

But I love my growing little man. I love hearing unique new sentences from him, like today's "I'm driving the car Mommy." I love his enormous fat feet (Ya my 2 year old wears a size 7 kids shoe). I love his curiosity in his world. I love his adorable obsession with trucks. I love when he says "Cameron, Iraq, Kuwait," because I so badly want him to respect the sacrifice his uncle made. I love our nightly cuddles before bed. I am so so very lucky to have him in my life as he is my driving force.

I only pray that I'm doing a good job. God help me, I feel like I haven't got a clue.

Inky Soul

About 2 weeks ago Greg informed me that he had turned in the required paperwork to my lawyer. This meant the papers could be signed and the divorce finalized.

Time had passed and we realized the lawyer had yet to call about the filing fee. I called the office and inquired about the status of our case. Today I recieved a call stating that they just needed a copy of our tax documents from last year and the papers would be filed completely and in 2 weeks I could expect it to be final.

Final.

Finally.

I will be the first to admit, we had our good times. Unfortunately they were too brief and spaced too far to save our marriage from drowning in pain.

I am positive that I had many failings in our marriage. I can be selfish. I'm very independent. I lack patience for overly needy men. I lack affection if a man constantly hangs on me or forces me to be the strength more than 50% of the time. I have weak days too, you know. I'm terrible with money. I have lazy days and when I'm sad, they come more often than not. I show my love by doing things or giving things. When I'm tired, it means I want to sleep. If you wake me up in the middle of the night, it had better be important or I'll be cranky and I might be cranky no matter what. I am quite low maintenance but cannot stand guys who are higher maintenance than me. I am extremely logical and was even accused of being too logical and not compassionate.

But for all that, at the very least I was kind to you. Even in the darkest moments, lying on my emotional basement floor, I still smiled and took your hand when you apologized and promised it would never happen again. And then I did it again and again and again. You crushed my heart, destroyed my self-esteem and isolated me in my pain. As hard as I try to be mad at you, I can't do it. As is, seemingly, my lot in life, I have forgiven you with all my soul. I sincerely hope that I, at the very least, taught you a lesson so that I am the only woman who need suffer.

I have learned some lessons. I will never pay another man's bills. I will never let a man put me down. I will never settle for less than everything I want. I will never settle for a man who can't tell me his ambitions and work hard to achieve them. I will never let a man put down my ambitions. I will never allow a man to dictate my life. I will never let a man tell me whom I can and cannot be friends with. I will never allow a man to laugh at my hobbies and interests. I will never allow a man to make me support our family, if I can work two jobs so can he. I will avoid men who have no friends. I will avoid men who have no interests. I will run in the opposite direction of any man who tells me I'm too smart, too logical or too nerdy or geeky.

I will be happy no matter what happens with the rest of my life because I finally know that I have the will, the power and the desire to go after all that I want and need.

Dawn

A new day has come and I find myself smiling at the warmth of the golden dawn before me.



It has been nearly 5 months since I left my ex-husband and not a days goes by that I'm not absolutely affirmed that I made the right decision. As painful as this process has been and as much as I sometimes struggle with the things resulting from it, I find no reason to even briefly wish I had chosen otherwise.

In these 5 months I have certainly had my ups and downs, as is true of life period. But I find comfort in the fact that things are definitely on an uphill swing.

In an effort to not allow myself to be bogged down by the minute details of life I have begun a concerted effort to focus on the highlights. I recently received a promotion at work. I am now seated happily in the Payments (Financial) department working as a Fraud Prevention Analyst. I so thoroughly enjoyed my time in Tech Support and am so grateful for the opportunity to advance. Special thanks to Candice and Devin for their motivation. I enjoy the company of my new coworkers, Jenn and Josh. Each day is exciting, fresh and challenging.

I have so many friends and family members that have been so kind to me. I hope that each one of you knows just how valuable you've been to me. Everything from letting me vent and complain to returning my long absent social life. Thank you all.

I am, also, relishing in my time with Nile. This little man never ceases to delight and fascinate me. His intelligence and personality are so enthralling to me that I often wonder how in Heaven and on Earth I was chosen to care for this little being. Nile's linguistic skills continue to amaze. Any word of less than 3 syllables is no challenge for Nile. He can repeat nearly anything and needs only one or two examples before the word is committed to memory. One of my favourite bits of his English repertoire was learned for his Uncle Cameron. On one occasion when Cameron called to give us his "I'm safe" report, I put Nile's mouth to the phone and asked Nile to repeat what I said, without hesitation Nile copied my saying "Cameron," "Iraq" and "Kuwait" much to Cameron's joy. Nile's use of full sentences is also fantastic. Favourites include "I wanna go outside" "I wanna eat yogurt" and "I don't want that." I also laugh everytime Nile prefaces answers or statements with a lenghty "Ummm."

Nile is nearly two years old. His birthday is just over a week away and I struggle with the realization that I have watched helplessly as the last 2 years have flown by in nearly a wink. I have watched my alien-faced infant grow and mature into a walking, talking toddler. This toddler plays video games, greets nearly all strangers with a glowing "Hi" and chases gleefully after any doggy that will let him. Nile is warm and friendly. He is so fond of his friends and family. He absolutely LOVES cars and trucks (seemingly as any little boy might). He never misses the chance to greet me with open arms and shrieks of joy when I pick him up from the sitter. He serves as a great little alarm clock, promptly waking me each morning. As the sun rises, I am greeted with a repetitive "Mommy....Mommy....Mommy" until I reluctantly roll over at which point I hear a giddy "Hi!"

I am so very blessed and although life presents it's many challenges I know that I am headed in the right direction, hand in hand with my raison d'etre. All things happen for a purpose and I trust that the confidence and joy I feel are the result of making ultimately the hardest decision I will ever make (I hope, although others are sure to come).

While I may not have a traditional family any longer, I know, without a doubt, my family is whole.